Moving Towards Atonement: Men, Masculinity and Love
Let me state that I accept personal responsibility for the choices and decisions that I’ve made in this life, extenuating circumstances notwithstanding. As a man in general and a conscious New Afrikan man in particular, I think that it’s critically important that I take ownership of the choices I’ve made in this life and the pain I’ve caused in my community. I think that in order to be genuinely sorry for your actions, you must not only undergo a conscious awakening, but also a spiritual cleansing-- not necessarily religious, but a cleansing of your spirit, your very essence and sense of humanity.
In her book The Will to Change, bell hooks defines “patriarchy as a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak and to maintain dominance through various forms of psychological terrorism and violence.” (p.18)
In this same book, psychotherapist John Bradshaw is quoted from his book Creating Love giving the dictionary definition of patriarchy as a social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family in both domestic and religious functions... Patriarchy is characterized by male domination and power... patriarchal rules still govern most of the world’s religious, school systems and family systems. Bradshaw lists “blind obedience-- the foundation upon which patriarchy stands: the repression of all emotions except fear; the destruction of individual willpower; and the repression of (critical) thinking whenever it departs from the authority figure’s way of thinking.” (p.23)
Our concepts, perceptions, and expressions of sexuality, interpersonal relationships, and social intercourse in general is filtered through this system of patriarchal orientation and domination. If you add to this mix, the lack of organized political and economic power along with systematic forms of violence, it only intensifies the psychosis.
Having grown up in prison for most of my life with my first conviction being a 30 year sentence at the age of 16 for attempted robbery, I’ve lived in a hyper masculine environment where men hide their fears and insecurities behind postures of false bravado or over-compensate by being overly aggressive and hostile; an environment where the desire and demand to prove you’re a man, dominating, fearless, non-feeling, and non-emotional becomes super intense to the point where I can’t speak to you, acknowledge your humanity or greet you as a brother for fear of being perceived as weak. I will stab (shoot) you or take your life for a wrong look, a glance, over a debt of 30 cent ramen noodle soup or some other perceived slight or disrespect while the system of political and often criminal power remains intact and keeps its oppressive foot on our collective necks, its oppressive feet in our collective asses!
Just imagine having to live, to exist in such an environment day in, day out. Now imagine the psychological impact and emotional turmoil and spiritual destruction that such an environment has on one’s humanity, one’s psyche. Now take that and add it to what we see going on in the streets with the vicious cycle of kill--retaliate--kill. When men-- suffering from self-hatred and lack of knowledge of
self-- who have been taught that in order to feel secure you must dominate, then all you have left is your perceived “respect” which you will kill and/or die for in order to preserve. And yet we refuse to kill and destroy the system of neo-kolonial oppression, patriarchy, and white supremacy that ensnares us, the system that inflicts high unemployment and gentrification upon our communities, the system that refuses to invest in vital infrastructure and yet occupies our communities with law enforcement that has run amok.
During a recent visit with my wife, we had a discussion about what role We wanted to play in the struggle towards social justice if I should get released. I explained to her that although I/ We were tired and just wanted to enjoy life and whatever years We have left on this earth together, I felt the need to explain that for me I have to give back. I have to atone for the the pain I’ve caused my community...for contributing to the problems that We already collectively face and struggle against on a daily basis, regardless of whether or not I felt justified at the time. I must stand up and walk through that fire and not only be cleansed, but serve as an example and beacon of light that might attract others.
Growing up in a capitalist, patriarchal society where black bodies are routinely commodified, you’re desensitized to the value of black life. From birth, We are indoctrinated with a heavy dose of false concepts of masculinity and male supremacy/ male privilege. We grow up with a whole warped concept of what it means to be a man and/or male. You see, although a lot of us don’t know it, there is a distinction between the two. A lot of us think about white supremacy because We know what to look for, but We never question male supremacy or male privilege. Often We take so much for granted in this area and as a result, We never move to carry out any type of critical analysis of our behaviors and the choices We make. Sometimes, we don’t even realize that as a result of social indoctrination, the choices you’re making have already been made for you and you’re just following a script. When you add so-called “race” this this mix, it only sharpens and intensifies the contradiction.
For New Afrikan men, We often have internalized our own self-hatred and subjugation to the point that We often seek to destroy those in our own image. When black life is devalued and dehumanized, it becomes easier to erase, to hide, to incarcerate, to destroy, to kill. When you have no answers for your oppression and social reality, your frustration and rage is not only internalized, it explodes into patterns of antisocial and psychopathic behavior.
At some point, some of us have to be honest with ourselves and stand up and take ownership of our choices/ actions. I cannot in good conscience turn on the news and see what’s going on in places like Chicago, listen to the pain and cries of families, watch the funerals of babies hit by stray bullets, and not only be disgusted, but also become self-critical. I question my own history. I cannot be saddened and angry about the loss of friends and associates in these prisons to heroin or opioid overdoses without critiquing and owning the years of hustling and controlling various economies behind the walls. Awareness and consciousness without personal responsibility is nothing.
How can I pledge allegiance to an organization or to anything or anyone that was contributing to the killing and murdering of thousands of us and not stand up and offer a constructive critique? How can I
not take a stance against such? Anyone can kill. That doesn’t make us men. A baby can pull a trigger... In my opinion, men serve and protect their community. We serve, protect, and love our families and the kids. We love, serve, protect, and struggle beside the women in our lives. Just as we need them to struggle alongside of and protect us. We resist and struggle against our collective enemies and those who seek to hasten our demise and destruction.
A body count doesn’t make us men. Being unconscious and unacknowledged serial killers or spree killers don’t make us men. Being able to hide behind a false sense of bravado and swinging our dicks don’t make us men. My loved ones have been murdered. I’ve been on the battlefield on both ends and I know a lot of us get caught up in that cycle and are tired. In actuality, We not only want to live, but We also want some peace of mind. Who in their right mind wants to live the way We are forced to live? Forced to raise our children the way we do? Yet We have a choice and the first step is to not only acknowledge it, but move towards atoning for our personal conduct...repudiating and rejecting such conduct and moving in a different direction.
When my teenage son was murdered, I reverted back to someone I thought I had buried 20 years earlier. You were either with me or against me with no middle ground. I’m not perfect by a long shot and don’t pretend to be, but I do know that I have choices. I can make the choice to continue to grow, to evolve, to change, and to be part of the solution as opposed to continuing to be a part of the problem. What about you?
For me, I have to give back. For me, I have to crawl down in the mud, in the trenches and try to make a difference. As a conscious New Afrikan man, I have to stand up and be counted. This is the only way I can can free and heal myself. It is only through this process that I can genuinely begin to overstand and appreciate the concept of love thy community as I love thy self. It is only through this self-love, self-critique, and atonement that I can look into the eyes of my daughter and know that she deserves better.
From one generation to the next.